Forget About the Blame
Monday, July 16, 2018
After dealing with the guilt, blame and separation of our family due to Scooter drowning....I heard this song and it seems to fit the lives of families who have lost a child to an accident. My dear friend from 20 plus years ago, Johnny Green of johnnygreenmusic.com wrote this song. The Trans Siberian Orchestra sings it on their tour.....even the legend Lizzy Hale sings it! But if you have ever lost a child and had your family fall apart, this song will speak to you.
At first there was so much anger and blame, but in the end....the blame isnt what changes anything. What is done is done..I will never hold sweet Carissa again, I will never hear her voice again or her giggle. As the song says " The passion we once had is fading into the whirlwind of our lives". To care about anything after losing her, was impossible for the longest time. My passion to exist or live was gone. I was barely going through the motions. People get uncomfortable when you talk about it. Family gets tired of hearing it. They even make you feel guilty for not being able to stop grieving. Some get as angry as you are, because now they have lost you to the grief and they feel helpless. This makes it worse and it can turn into PTSD by holding it in. I know, I have that struggle. The lyrics "You sit right there like you dont care" I felt that a lot about loved ones because I was hurting so bad inside and all they could do was be normal, like it didnt matter, like my pain was not obvious, like she didnt matter to them. How could they not send me a lifeline? I felt like I was drowning. The flip side of those lyrics was- I was told that I hurt my family because it seemed I didnt care about the ones living next to me because I was so consumed by the loss of my grandaughter. My spouse was angry and still is. He feels that this has caused so much damage to my heart, I am not who I was before she drowned......the lyrics " I'm now a part of you and I cant take living separate lives" But those lyrics to me...speak my pain that I cant live a life without my grandaughter in it. They also speak to me because I felt like I was on a stranded island alone with this tsunami of guilt and sorrow over losing my grandaughter and failing to be what my family needed me to be for them only added to the storm. I was paralyzed by the pain. So when you lose a child or any loved one....Surround yourself with people who will support you and listen to your heart as this song says" Tell me what your heart says". Speak their name....cry.....giggle....and allow yourself to heal, WITHOUT GUILT. My heart has been shattered and she is gone due to something so preventable! All I can do at this point is focus on the love I have for her, the love she had for me and the love she could have given the world. I need to make her legacy about love and life not blame. Like the song says............."If the love is strong then we will make it. The burned out flame we can relight". Her life and her fire was snuffed out in that river on August 28, 2015. I must carry her light for her and that can only be done with love.
I just find it so strange that for years we were apart, my old friend Johnny, living his life on the East Coast, blazing his own trail with his family under his wings......me doing the same thing in here in the Heartland of America.......This friend who is so dear to me....We spent many nights drinking pot upon pot of coffee at his kitchen table, playing with music, lyrics, ideas, discussing the crash of the family unit, the loss of a moral compass in so many folks, how love should be, how children should be cherished and protected by us....we did what best friends do...we supported each other, we were there for each other, we talked about everything under the sun.
Here we are 20 plus years later, reconnecting over a song he wrote. That I am sure had a different meaning in his mind when he put that pen to paper....but when I first heard it, it spoke to me. But, I was not ready to accept what it was saying to my shattered heart. Strange how life happens. This song has become my theme song. I remember that forgiveness is not for the other person,....its for you so you can move on from the darkness. I still have dark days, but when those moments come I will listen to the song written from the heart of a friend who I trusted and never let me down. He never steered me in the wrong direction. Thank you Johnny! Somehow from far away, you have managed to give me what I thought I would never have. Release from the blame so I can be open to love again! I think every family that has lost a child to drowning, or to a crime, or to an accident they could not control....... needs to hear this song. It helps the healing because it speaks what we need to hear. Some of us hold onto the blame because we feel like we will fail our lost one if we do not seek justice to the person we feel is responsible. Justice will not bring back your loved one. "Seek justice, that will make it not hurt as bad, seek justice so the person who caused the loss will understand this child was loved and will be missed, seek justice so your loved one sees you fight for them, that they mattered".....is the biggest lie you will tell yourself. Because when justice doesnt come, you dont have closure. Now you are in shock because you banked on justice giving you closure. You are now shell shocked because you realize you havent even thought of how to heal your shattered heart. You were deceived into thinking justice would be the solution. But even if justice comes, and often it doesnt, you will find yourself thinking it was not enough compared to your loss. Nothing will..... the child you lost is immeasurable by way of repayment for them being taken away. Now you are more angry that you even wasted your soul on the justice path because justice was served but you are angry because its not enough! Now what do you do? You still have to heal.....so this is why this song means so much to me. Forget about the blame! Its all about the lovin'
Live like your lost one would want you to. Carry their memory in love and light not blame, darkness and anger. Let love be their legacy! Give a gift in their honor to some charity or event. Do something kind for someone in their name....this is how you heal. This is how they continue to live on a make a difference in this world we live in. It is by your heart and your hand they continue to live. Healing comes from within your heart, not from a judge or a sentence. Furthermore...even an apology would feel like a insult to the loss you feel. What does sorry do? nothing......this will not heal you. Your heart is all that will heal you...that which you hold the key to, nobody else. Your family needs to understand that if they stop being afraid or angry to see you cry, let you cry, let you speak the name, let you share your memories, dreams, goals and sadness....Take your hand and be beside you on your charity event...maybe you serve dinner at a shelter or maybe you help the elderly mow the yard....whatever your loved one would have done....Your family supporting you and allowing you time to heal without guilt is crucial! Tell them that IF they love and support you, together you can heal and get through this. Nothing slows the healing down faster than being made to feel guilty because you are taking the time you need to heal. Who knows maybe that togetherness is what your family needs to repair the broken surrounding it. Let them know they dont have to come up with a clever saying to console you. Just listen, support you and encourage you. Be a warrior of love because that is what your loved one that is gone would want you to be. Open your heart, share your story, listen to others stories and do something to honor that childs life! Do it without guilt! Never feel quilty for the love you carry for that lost little one.
It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame… I wasn't sure what you were thinking I saw a distance in your eyes The passion we once had is fading Into the whirlwind of our lives But you sit right there Like you don't care If we try real hard We'll get somewhere 'cause It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame Forget about the blame If love is strong then we will make it The burned out flame we can relight There's nothing I can do I'm now a part of you and I can't take living separate lives But you sit right there Like you don't care And you tell me that your life's not fair But we all have our own cross to bear It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame It's all for the love It's all for the love It's all for the love It's not about the pain Our two hearts beat the same Forget the blame It's all for love It's not for pain Forget the blame It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Just tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame It's all about the lovin' It's not about the pain Tell me what your heart says Forget about the blame Forget about the blame Forget about the blame Forget about the blame
Songwriters: Johnny Green Forget About The Blame lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc
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